Women of the Bible: Hagar trusted the one who will not abuse us
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My wife and I like surprises. One of my favorite surprises was the gender of both our children.
At some point during my wife's first pregnancy, I realized that we were just as likely to have a girl as a boy, and I knew nothing about how to raise a girl.
My mom was the only female in our house growing up. I had one brother and even the dogs were males. My wife was also the only steady girlfriend I had ever had. I was at an utter loss as to what a little girl would even need out of a dad. I hadn't even really figured out how to be a good husband yet. I even made a new word to describe my situation: anogyny — the state of having no clue about women.
So naturally, as any nerd like me would do, I immediately responded to my lack of knowledge with copious reading. I read books and articles from every possible perspective on what it's like to be a woman in the 21st century. I read a lot of work by feminists, and though I disagreed with their solutions, it seemed like many of the problems they described were legitimate. Then, in my gender studies rabbithole, I found the men's rights movement. Like feminism, I found myself disagreeing with the solutions they proposed but seeing the validity of their complaints.
As I got deeper into my research, it seemed more and more like our culture and our age was embroiled in systematizing the ways men mistreat women and the ways women mistreat men. There seems to be general discord between the sexes.
Then, I realized that this has been the case since the beginning. Any time you have two groups of humans, it seems you can usually make a safe bet on both groups mistreating each other.
Because of this general human tendency toward inhumanity, the Bible (and history in general) is replete with stories of women and men suffering every kind abuse at the hands of other women and men.
My mom used to always tell me that I could not control what anyone else does. I could only control my response. That's wisdom I generally try to live by. If true, it would seem that the question of how to respond to abuse is much more important than the question of how to stop it.
Enter Hagar.
Hagar was a young Egyptian woman Sarai (Sarah) had acquired as a slave. God had promised Sarai's husband Abram (Abraham) a son, but when he was 86 years old and she herself was 76, Sarai got tired of waiting for God to keep his promise and she devised a solution. 'So she said to Abram, 'The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.' Abram agreed to what Sarai said' (Genesis 16:2).
I cannot imagine a circumstance in which my wife would make such an offer or in which I would agree to it. Neither can I imagine Hagar being excited about the situation. Hagar was at least young enough that Sarai didn't think she would have any problem conceiving and bearing a child. Abram was 86.
At no point is any of this God's idea. Two people conspired to use another person. At best, this is the epitome of objectification. More likely, it's just rape.
Making matters worse, Hagar had no control over the situation. She was a slave (another thing that wasn't God's idea). When she responded poorly to her situation and 'despised' Sarai (gee, I wonder why), Abram reminded her, 'Your slave is in your hands ... Do with her whatever you think best.' Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her' (Genesis 16:6). The verse could just as easily said, 'Then Sarai killed Hagar.'
As an aside, I sometimes wonder why God would bother himself with such terrible people. Then I look in the mirror and selfishly stop wondering that. Someone told me not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Questioning the grace God gives others is the same as questioning the grace he gives me.
When Hagar ran away, God came and told her to do something unusual. He told her to go back to Sarai, but he sent her back with a promise. He promised to take care of her and her son. Abram and Sarai may have just used her as a ungodly means to an end, but God saw her and her son and would take care of them. He also told her that she was carrying a boy. Abram would have no reason to 'try again' because Abram would have his son.
I think this is when Hagar learned how to respond to abuse. After God spoke to her, she said, 'You are the God who sees me' (Genesis 16:13). She responded to God's promise the way Sarai should have. Hagar believed God's promise, obeyed him, and patiently waited for him to do what he said he would. Sarai kept mistreating her, and she kept trusting the God who sees her. In Chapter 21, Sarai set her free and sent her away with her grown son who was old enough to help her survive. After all, 'two are better than one' (Ecclesiastes 4:9).
The proper response to abuse is to trust in the one who will not abuse us under any circumstance. That's exactly what Hagar learned to do.
Please read carefully: I am not saying that if you are being abused you should stay where you are and just endure the abuse.
Thankfully, God has molded an ethic in cultures where the gospel has taken root in which no part of Hagar's circumstance are acceptable. Slavery, rape and abuse are now unacceptable thanks almost exclusively to the Judeo-Christian ethic. Believers in Jesus work harder than any other category of private citizen to rescue young women from slavery and forced sex, and there is unbelievable amounts of help available to people suffering under abuse. I have personally helped women out of these situations, and my contact information is below if you need help.
What I am saying is the first step to surviving, escaping and truly living after abuse is to first trust in the God who sees you. Hagar was likely born into slavery and had been a slave her whole life when she was acquired by Sarai. By the time the Bible mentions her for the last time, though, she is free and she has a son whom she loves and who loves her. The deciding factor was her trust in the God who saw and rescued her.