Arguing Well: Who are you fighting?
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My first career was in information technology services. I did a lot of different things from desktop support to systems administration to even a little bit of IT sales. I am so thankful for those years. I learned so much about serving people during those years. I learned how to prioritize people over the machines. I even learned how to calm frustrated people down. It's actually quite easy.
"I am not your enemy. I just want to help you."
It has always amazed me how effective this simple reminder is. It resets the relationship and focuses energy on the actual problem.
When you have an argument, who exactly is the enemy? Who are you fighting and who are you fighting for? Perhaps, in striving for truth, it behooves us to answer this question before we engage.
The military has a phrase for when soldiers fail to do this. It's called friendly fire. It happens when you confuse your allies — or worse, those you're sworn to protect — with an enemy. It's generally considered bad.
In the case that you have someone in your life who does not see truth the same way you do, they are not your enemy. At worst, in cases regarding eternal salvation, they are the battleground. Normally, the person you think of as your opponent is actually your ally.
Consider what God's word says about us, all together, as humans.
Christians are not called to fight — verbally or otherwise — against people. "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 6:12). There are spiritual forces that contradict and suppress the truth, and they are not humans.
Jesus described these forces this way. The devil "was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies" (John 8:44). Any sincere endeavor toward truth, then, is a threat to Satan because it is contrary to his nature. He will try to stop it. He will distract it with lies. He will twist it with deceitful feelings. He will sabotage all the people involved. He will fight against it at every turn. Satan is your enemy, not the human with whom you disagree.
The armed forces spend extensive time and money training troops, pilots, tank commanders, etc. not only how to shoot at the right target, but also how to avoid shooting at the wrong target. Above that, the military has invested millions of dollars in preventing friendly fire. One company — Cubic — has spent $25 million dollars in developing a system that would display the word "friend" inside the scope of a soldier who aims his rifle at an ally. It involves lasers, encoded reflectors and high-tech computers.
Do you take as much care?
Amos 3:3 is one of my favorite verses, "Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?" When you disagree, is your goal to walk together? After all, the person with whom you disagree is not your enemy. In fact, they can be an ally in the search for truth and the fight against the father of lies.
When two Christians in first century Philippi name Euodia and Syntyche had a disagreement, Paul wrote in Philippians 4:2-3, "I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to be of the same mind in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, my true companion, help these women since they have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel."
Additionally, Jesus said, "Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him" (Matthew 5:25).
Our society faces some serious problems, and we are deeply divided over how to address them, or even what those problems are. But at the end of the day, we are all part of the same country. Moreover, for those of us who have put our trust in Jesus, we are part of the same body of Christ.
Who we fight against matters. Who we fight for matters more. We have the opportunity to fight for each other in a pursuit of truth. I'm not saying we should put our disagreements down totally. I'm just saying we should let the problems we face be the problem instead of the way we treat each other because we disagree.
No matter how much we disagree, "Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all" (Colossians 3:11). We are not enemies. And as they say in the army, friendly fire — isn't.